Things I'm Over, and I Think You Are, Too

Facebook "Gangsta Face" Pictures: I get it. You're a fun-loving, chill person who is-- might I add-- HILARIOUS. That sideways "Peace" sign and those pursed lips tell everyone that you're not afraid to be silly and that you don't take yourself too seriously. Really? Because it sort of seems like you've stolen this (not that funny to begin with) idea from EVERYONE else on Facebook, which, in effect, has diluted that meager bit of originality you were striving for. But surely, this does not apply to you; after all, you wear a bandana head scarf.

BANDANA HEAD SCARFS: Unless your name is Axel or you're the frontman of a band with a name like "Acid Love" or "Karcass," you have no reason nor right to lay claim to this trend. The bandana is strictly reserved for hard working mechanics (which you're probably not) and aging glamrockers who are despereate to hide their botched hairplugs. So knock it off.


TEXTING HIPSTERS: You're at a small venue (Knitting Factory or the like) to watch a band so unknown you even YOU don't know who they are (this is probably more true than my humor is intending to be) and you're dressed to the nines in a straw fedora and deep v-neck, maybe even wearing denim rompers and keds. So what could possibly stimulate the Hipster brain's pleasure centers any more than this virtual heaven? Being so indifferent to the scene that you text your other hipster friends throughout the entire show that you paid a whole $12 to get into. Not to worry, that ticket stub is totes making its way onto your bulletin board so that when people see it and ask about the show, you can proudly say, "it was so whatevs; everybody listens to them now, totally overrated." Congrats, hipster scum, you win again.

There are infinitely more items to add to this list, but for now, I am le tired.