Above all else that plagues my generation, the ambivalence between instant adulthood and prolonging adolesence seems to be more and more relevant as I am bombarded by pictures of weddings and drunken exchange parties in an endless flow of facebook reminders. It seems as though my age group is torn between the anxiety of needing answers and the lack of expectations for themselves. Either way, absent is a clear perspective on what it is we're supposed to be doing with our lives.
Where have all the grown-ups gone? Why is it that when I look at wedding photos now, everyone seems like they're playing dress-up (and for some reason all have the same hideous white prom dress parading down the isle like a Sears quinceañera ad) and the word "Divorce" looms in the background whenever I stare at the teal bridesmaid dresses for too long? And when it isn't a wedding photo, it's a dark party filled with red cups and "sexy kitten" costumes that eventually morph into mounds of empty bottles and smeared mascara. Behold my present; by not having the desire to frantically search for tule cocktail dresses and my sincere dread of wearing white in a room full of distant relatives, I am in the limbo of Growing Older.
When I played house as a child, I fantasized about arguing over bills, furiously scribbled "paperwork" while my pretend live-in boyfriend cooked dinner, and created a long-standing battle with my imaginary landlord, Ophelia. My bizarre childhood fantasies aside, I've always looked forward to being a part of that exclusive club where grown-ups talk and drink and have real problems and real accomplishments. Mostly, I've always looked forward to the life that I don't know about yet and sharing it with everyone I consider special. Pessimistic though I may be, I have so much to look forward to, it terrifies me that people my age want everything "figured out."
We learn through experience, and our suffering through life is what makes it meaningful and exciting. Without the struggle of trying to create a person out of the characteristics we've accumulated over the years, we would be very boring people, and in a lot of cases, we are. Who wants to cut their lives down to isolated stages? Birth, school, marriage, job, kids, retirement, and death are pretty grim chapters in a story repeated so many times it's faded into blank pages, leaving us to recite those lines we know so well. Maybe now that we don't need to have everything figured out by age 23, we should fill in those pages as we go along and trade in that boring fairy tale for some interesting stories.
And what about the "Neverland" mentality? College is both the prolonging of adolescence and the preparation for adulthood; holding on to one and fighting the other negates anything you might gain from the entire experience. We shouldn't cower behind the idea that drinking to blackout every night is paramount in college life, but then again I would never say no to a beer with my friends, especially on a Tuesday night. Exploring every possibility for happiness makes room for the acceptance of the rough parts of life that we need to get through in order to find it; our gradual maturation isn't the result of some cosmic alarm clock, it develops as we become ready. We need not fear the limbo of Growing Older because the best is yet to come, but we need to get to it, not the other way around.
I dread turning 30 and having to tell that little girl in the fictional apartment that she actually settled for a banker she didn't love, or that she still hasn't entered into a real career or relationship; I never want to be so afraid of life that I sell it short and disappoint my 8 year old self. Mostly I am afraid for my friends who either need answers or are desperately hiding from the responsibility of getting them; I don't want to do this whole grown-up thing alone. But then again, I know that they need me too, and being there is a part of getting older and wiser. For now, I guess I'll dress up and play guest at all those weddings and keg parties, sipping my beer and happily resting somewhere in between the time when imaginary life fades and being a grown-up finally kicks in. For now, at least.
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