Boys Boys Everywhere, But Not a Man to Keep

Chapter 5 of the "Trial Offer" Chronicles has officially begun and will be coming to a close soon. This one has been quite perfect, actually; he has broken the mold of other potential buyers but intevitably the sale will not go through, as predicted. The man himself is sweet, affectionate, intelligent, and sexy to the point of ridiculousness, but yet again I align myself with someone carrying about seven carry-ons of girlfriend baggage. Unfortunate.

But it got me thinking: can we practice for heartbreak? Does my track record of being the
"trial offer" (Test her out for 30 days with satisfaction guraranteed or your money back, and they always want their money back) prepare me for the inevitable "you're fantastic, I just can't be with anyone right now"? I used to think I was just slowly dying inside, each month-long relationship extinguishing any hope I had for the male sex and increasing my self-reliance for all emotional matters. I thought that by being more self-reliant I was more apt to appreciate myself and create an aura of confidence and peace, as opposed to coming off bitter and off-putting (which he assures me I'm not. haha.) and that the rest would come naturally. Of course, all that came with it were the men who read my independence as a get-out-of-jail free card and an excuse to hook up without any intention of committment. Which I happily accepted.
So when I was lying in bed with this man, (we'll call him Andrew) and he expressed worry about my being "attached" which he just couldn't be at this point (due to a long term relationship that ended less than a month ago...I know, I did this to myself, I got it) I stopped hearing him and just started hearing a looping track of everything I had heard before.
--Sidenote: what the FUCK is it with men assuming all women are attached to them? Why is it that everything needs to mean committment and marriage and devotion when really we enjoy sex and attention just as much as they do? I resent the assumption that just because I like being with someone I am now "attached," especially as it carries a connotation of clinginess at best and obsession at worst. Word to the wise man: don't assume ANYTHING about her. Ask her what you want to know; she WANTS to talk about it.

Back on track. I stopped hearing him and just felt the fuzziness of the familiar hit me like a bug on a windshield; messy, but kept at a safe distance. I was prepared for this, wasn't I? I knew this was coming, I knew everything he would say weeks before he said it. What I couldn't figure out was this: have I become hopeless or just more realistic about the inevitable end of relationships in my life? That is to say, have I just been practicing for years in order to protect myself from heartbreak or am I really just incapable of trusting someone enough to let them break my heart? After building walls for so long, I should be a goddamn emotional contractor; I could build the fucking Taj Mahal of romantic barriers. Andrew is wonderful, the timing is off, and I am seeking out something that I know will end in a matter of weeks, if even that long.

But then again, its an adventure. Until now my life was dominated by a stale pain left over from someone I barely knew and the illusion of crushes that I created simply to have something to be excited about. Now I actually get excited thinking about Andrew, but am strangely at peace with the idea of walking away from our little romantic liason. He has been a breath of fresh air from the shit storm that is my love life, and even if there is no long-term future with him, it has been pretty worth it just to have someone look at me and say, for once, "my god, you're beautiful."

Maybe I just need the adventure and the excitement, which can only last a short while. Maybe instead of feeling DOOMED about my short-term love affairs, I should appreciate them for the rush I get from the compressed passion bursting out of a relationship working on a time limit. Eventually, I'll sing a different tune and find someone who shares my love for Paul Newman, coffee at 9:00pm, my addiction to kissing, and become my permanent partner for games of Trivial Pursuit. Until then, I guess my heart has been training for a long time, and Andrew is giving it a good workout. When I can rest my head, I'll probably start to worry, but until then I think I'm pretty prepared for my own misadventures.

Oh Crash, you do make speeches.